There is no such thing as a dumb question!

So why do we ask questions?  We ask questions because we want to know the answer… to something that we are trying to understand,  or we want to know the other persons perspective of whom we asked the question in the first place .  We do this, because we want to accumulate knowledge and learn.  I know for me,  Ill ask a question to save time too…like , Hey where are the keys?  That way I don’t have to spend time looking for them.  That is accumulating knowledge that someone else has for our own benefit.  Or, do you like the chicken or the fish?  I want to know the persons *perspective* that I am with to help me with my decision.

Enter Autism ( into the picture)… and questions can work abit differently.  Children with ASD can ask questions over and over again because of anxiety over a future event.   With my oldest son,  his use of questions was for a  purpose related to anxiety, but more complex.   He asked me questions all day because he wanted to feel competent that he knew where the conversation was going…in other words,  he removed all uncertainty in our conversation so that he could feel safe when he talked to me.  He asked me questions that he knew the answer too.  The interaction went something like this…  He would ask me a question, then I would try and answer him and if I did not answer him the exact way he was thinking I would,  he would then answer the question after I answered the question.  This of course meant that he knew the answer to the question before he asked me. Needless to say,  in no short time this drove me insane as I answered questions all day only to realize he already knew the answer.

I remember saying to his therapists ( This started around 6 years old )….MAKE HIM STOP! Lol  and we tried many different behavioral strategies.  It was not until he was around 9 that developmentally he was able to feel safe in the uncertainty of a *open ended conversation*.  We had been doing RDI with him for over a year at this point to help him get there.

A strategy that worked for us… I would ask him, Oh you know the answer to this!  Then I would say, so I love that you talk to me…anything you say ( decreases anxiety) and it sounds like you are trying to tell me something …Here is how you tell me something without asking a question ( and still knowing that the outcome is the same)  Then I told him how to reword the question into a *Mom, quess what* statement… Meaning to open it up like, quess what ( and then tell me instead of ask me).  This helped him to then be ok with my *answer* too, as he started to enjoy the back and forth and be resilient in not having to know the answer.  There are many different strategies hooked into this, this is just the beginning one.  However, within my own sons RDI program, I recognized at the same time we really needed to address this at its core too.  He was asking me questions because he so wanted to be successful with me in an interaction…and for him, asking the question and me answering was SUCCESS.  So who would not want to repeat success…right???  We do all the time…when we go out with a friend, etc and we have a great time,  one of the first things we say is..lets do that again!  We know though that it’s the relationship that we want to *do* again,  not the exact events and actions of the time spent. 

If your child is asking questions that he knows the answer too, try the strategy above.  In addition, here are a few beginning tips to work on a few of the core deficits of Autism- dynamic analysis, experience communication, and  Episodic memory.  Addressing competence and resilience from the ground up is crucial to help your child understand thoroughly the WHY of communcation.

Working on Dynamic Analysis-   Our kids need help knowing the important part of the interaction.  Instead of paying attention to the *answer*, focus more on the relationship ( I love when we talk to each other or I love your smile!)  Your child hears your thoughts that you are paying attention to more than just their question.  At first there may be some anxiety over you not answering them right away, but you are giving them the opportunity to process your perspective ( you have their attention as they wait for what they *want* to hear).  You can follow this up with commenting to them a great way to tell *Mom* something is hey Mom…_____________,

Working on Experience sharing communication-  When your child asks you a question that they know the answer too, use non verbals to answer them and then pair the non verbal communication with a strategic pace of any comment you make ( for Dynamic analysis). Strategic pace is pausing at the moment that is important …to highlight and say to your child…here…this is important to pay attention too!

Working on Episodic memory- look for opportunities when helping your child feel secure in his communication to reflect on past experiences of the subject that he is asking about.  Recalling past events, reviewing success and reminiscing about joint shared experiences will help your child’s motivation to want to continue to build a conversation with you,  even when he is unsure of the outcome ( an open ended conversation).  This is a great time to talk about your emotions and /or your childs emotions as a reflective process.  This helps your child see that communication is a reflective process built on experiences,  and is truly a back and forth interaction where the uncertainty is an interesting aspect of a conversation and not something to produce anxiety.

 

For more on RDI www.whatisrdi.blogspot.com

 

 

ese children need to constantly know what is coming up to feel secure. Questioning becomes a way of making the world more clear, consistent, and predictable.

2. Some children experience anticipatory anxiety (strong excitement about what is coming up) and will continually question as a way of coping with anticipation.

3. Some children who want attention will repeatedly ask the same question as a way of interacting, getting attention. This occurs especially if they either do not know how to get attention in other more appropriate ways, or if the intensity of reaction they get from questioning is much stronger then what they get for appropriately initiating interaction.

ese children need to constantly know what is coming up to feel secure. Questioning becomes a way of making the world more clear, consistent, and predictable.

2. Some children experience anticipatory anxiety (strong excitement about what is coming up) and will continually question as a way of coping with anticipation.

3. Some children who want attention will repeatedly ask the same question as a way of interacting, getting attention. This occurs especially if they either do not know how to get attention in other more appropriate ways, or if the intensity of reaction they get from questioning is much stronger then what they get for appropriately initiating interaction.

There are a few behavioral techniques that have worked successfully for me with several children I have worked with in the past:

1. Answering the child once when they repeat a question, then telling them that is the last time they will answer. From then on in, the parent gives no verbal response. They may shake their head no, but not give a verbal answer. In all cases, the parent’s verbal answer is what reinforces the child to ask again. This is discussed with the child ahead of time, so he knows the parent will not verbally answer anymore. This would probably cause increased problems for Robert.

2. For some children answering only once is not enough, so you might try answering no more than three times. Then with each answer you count them off. When you hit three that is it.

3. Some children will inhibit the response if you repeat the question to them. So the second time they ask the question, “Are we going to McDonalds for dinner?”, you say “Bobby, are we going to McDonalds for dinner?” They will usually give you the answer, and stop repeating the question.

4. For an older teen, who could read and write, we would answer the repeated question one time, then have him write down the answer and carry it with him. If he asked again, the parent would refer him to his note. Another technique that has worked is writing the answer down on a note board and referring the child to that board. This worked well, since the verbal response is what reinforces the repeated questioning.

5. This next technique is for children who find it real difficult to stop, so we gradually decrease the behavior as the child becomes more controlled in refraining from questioning. It is more complex but has worked well.

a. The parent keeps track, for a couple of days, of how frequently the child repeatedly questions during the day (let’s say an average of six times a day) and how many repetitions of a question the child averages (let’s say five repetitions of a question). Then from there we write a plan to start gradually decreasing those frequencies (the number of repetitions of each question, and the number of times a day repeated questioning occurs.

b. To decrease the number of repetitions child gives per question, if the average frequency is five, we would start by answering the child up to four times. We would tell the child that we can only give up to four responses. Each time the child repeated the question, the parent responds “this is number one” and answers the question. Then each response starts with “this in number 2, 3 or 4” and answers the question. At the forth time the parent reminds the child they cannot answer it again. If the child stops asking, the parent will praise the child, “Sally, you really please mommy by not questioning after I told you no”. If the child asked again, the parent shakes her head no, and gives the child the manual sign for “no”. The parent does not give another “verbal answer” to the question, regardless of how intense the child gets. When the child gets used to asking only up to four times, then we decrease to three times. We gradually decrease to twice and only once.

c. Now, we want to reward the child for stopping at the predetermined number of repetitions, as well as decrease the number of repeated questionings throughout the day. In this example, the child averages repeated questioning six times a day. We start at that number. We make a laminated chart with six boxes on it. We also post a picture of a few rewards that the child can earn next to the board. For each time the child engages in repeated questioning, when he doesn’t stop at four, the parent puts a cross, or frown face, in one of the boxes (with an erasable marker). The parent tells the child that if there is at least one box left by a certain time of the evening, the child will get their choice of one of the rewards. So, in this case, if the child has four or less times when he doesn’t stop repeated questioning, he will earn a reward. This way, we start with were the child is at, teach him how to earn the reward, and then slowly started reducing the number of boxes (chances) he has to earn the reward. So for step b above, when the child asks for the fifth time, the mother shakes her head no, gives manual sign for “no”, and walks over and crosses out one of the squares. If the child has at least one box left by the evening, he gets his choice of reward. If he has all five boxes crossed off, parent shows him, tells him he cannot get the reward tonight, but he can try again tomorrow.

Another way you can work this, is using the same style board, give the child a star in each box each time he stops the questioning at the predetermined amount without going over. So, if the child stops at four repetitions, the parent praises him, and gives him a star to put on his chart. Once he earns the right number of stars he earns a reward.

6. Another technique is to answer the child once or twice. Then the next time the child asks, you tell him you will not answer that question again, and ask him a simple question to redirect him. This way you are redirecting him to talk about something else. If he doesn’t answer, but asks his question instead, you continue to ignore his question and continue to ask him your question until he answers. If he answers your question and goes back to his, you simply ask another question about the issue you want to talk about and keep focusing on what you are asking him. Eventually they learn to take the redirection and converse on what you want to talk about.

Remember almost all of the techniques focuses on 1) stop rewarding his repeated questioning with “verbal answers” and 2) focusing (rewarding) him for responding the way you want him to do.

ese children need to constantly know what is coming up to feel secure. Questioning becomes a way of making the world more clear, consistent, and predictable.

2. Some children experience anticipatory anxiety (strong excitement about what is coming up) and will continually question as a way of coping with anticipation.

3. Some children who want attention will repeatedly ask the same question as a way of interacting, getting attention. This occurs especially if they either do not know how to get attention in other more appropriate ways, or if the intensity of reaction they get from questioning is much stronger then what they get for appropriately initiating interaction.

There are a few behavioral techniques that have worked successfully for me with several children I have worked with in the past:

1. Answering the child once when they repeat a question, then telling them that is the last time they will answer. From then on in, the parent gives no verbal response. They may shake their head no, but not give a verbal answer. In all cases, the parent’s verbal answer is what reinforces the child to ask again. This is discussed with the child ahead of time, so he knows the parent will not verbally answer anymore. This would probably cause increased problems for Robert.

2. For some children answering only once is not enough, so you might try answering no more than three times. Then with each answer you count them off. When you hit three that is it.

3. Some children will inhibit the response if you repeat the question to them. So the second time they ask the question, “Are we going to McDonalds for dinner?”, you say “Bobby, are we going to McDonalds for dinner?” They will usually give you the answer, and stop repeating the question.

4. For an older teen, who could read and write, we would answer the repeated question one time, then have him write down the answer and carry it with him. If he asked again, the parent would refer him to his note. Another technique that has worked is writing the answer down on a note board and referring the child to that board. This worked well, since the verbal response is what reinforces the repeated questioning.

5. This next technique is for children who find it real difficult to stop, so we gradually decrease the behavior as the child becomes more controlled in refraining from questioning. It is more complex but has worked well.

a. The parent keeps track, for a couple of days, of how frequently the child repeatedly questions during the day (let’s say an average of six times a day) and how many repetitions of a question the child averages (let’s say five repetitions of a question). Then from there we write a plan to start gradually decreasing those frequencies (the number of repetitions of each question, and the number of times a day repeated questioning occurs.

b. To decrease the number of repetitions child gives per question, if the average frequency is five, we would start by answering the child up to four times. We would tell the child that we can only give up to four responses. Each time the child repeated the question, the parent responds “this is number one” and answers the question. Then each response starts with “this in number 2, 3 or 4” and answers the question. At the forth time the parent reminds the child they cannot answer it again. If the child stops asking, the parent will praise the child, “Sally, you really please mommy by not questioning after I told you no”. If the child asked again, the parent shakes her head no, and gives the child the manual sign for “no”. The parent does not give another “verbal answer” to the question, regardless of how intense the child gets. When the child gets used to asking only up to four times, then we decrease to three times. We gradually decrease to twice and only once.

c. Now, we want to reward the child for stopping at the predetermined number of repetitions, as well as decrease the number of repeated questionings throughout the day. In this example, the child averages repeated questioning six times a day. We start at that number. We make a laminated chart with six boxes on it. We also post a picture of a few rewards that the child can earn next to the board. For each time the child engages in repeated questioning, when he doesn’t stop at four, the parent puts a cross, or frown face, in one of the boxes (with an erasable marker). The parent tells the child that if there is at least one box left by a certain time of the evening, the child will get their choice of one of the rewards. So, in this case, if the child has four or less times when he doesn’t stop repeated questioning, he will earn a reward. This way, we start with were the child is at, teach him how to earn the reward, and then slowly started reducing the number of boxes (chances) he has to earn the reward. So for step b above, when the child asks for the fifth time, the mother shakes her head no, gives manual sign for “no”, and walks over and crosses out one of the squares. If the child has at least one box left by the evening, he gets his choice of reward. If he has all five boxes crossed off, parent shows him, tells him he cannot get the reward tonight, but he can try again tomorrow.

Another way you can work this, is using the same style board, give the child a star in each box each time he stops the questioning at the predetermined amount without going over. So, if the child stops at four repetitions, the parent praises him, and gives him a star to put on his chart. Once he earns the right number of stars he earns a reward.

6. Another technique is to answer the child once or twice. Then the next time the child asks, you tell him you will not answer that question again, and ask him a simple question to redirect him. This way you are redirecting him to talk about something else. If he doesn’t answer, but asks his question instead, you continue to ignore his question and continue to ask him your question until he answers. If he answers your question and goes back to his, you simply ask another question about the issue you want to talk about and keep focusing on what you are asking him. Eventually they learn to take the redirection and converse on what you want to talk about.

Remember almost all of the techniques focuses on 1) stop rewarding his repeated questioning with “verbal answers” and 2) focusing (rewarding) him for responding the way you want him to do.

ese children need to constantly know what is coming up to feel secure. Questioning becomes a way of making the world more clear, consistent, and predictable.

2. Some children experience anticipatory anxiety (strong excitement about what is coming up) and will continually question as a way of coping with anticipation.

3. Some children who want attention will repeatedly ask the same question as a way of interacting, getting attention. This occurs especially if they either do not know how to get attention in other more appropriate ways, or if the intensity of reaction they get from questioning is much stronger then what they get for appropriately initiating interaction.

There are a few behavioral techniques that have worked successfully for me with several children I have worked with in the past:

1. Answering the child once when they repeat a question, then telling them that is the last time they will answer. From then on in, the parent gives no verbal response. They may shake their head no, but not give a verbal answer. In all cases, the parent’s verbal answer is what reinforces the child to ask again. This is discussed with the child ahead of time, so he knows the parent will not verbally answer anymore. This would probably cause increased problems for Robert.

2. For some children answering only once is not enough, so you might try answering no more than three times. Then with each answer you count them off. When you hit three that is it.

3. Some children will inhibit the response if you repeat the question to them. So the second time they ask the question, “Are we going to McDonalds for dinner?”, you say “Bobby, are we going to McDonalds for dinner?” They will usually give you the answer, and stop repeating the question.

4. For an older teen, who could read and write, we would answer the repeated question one time, then have him write down the answer and carry it with him. If he asked again, the parent would refer him to his note. Another technique that has worked is writing the answer down on a note board and referring the child to that board. This worked well, since the verbal response is what reinforces the repeated questioning.

5. This next technique is for children who find it real difficult to stop, so we gradually decrease the behavior as the child becomes more controlled in refraining from questioning. It is more complex but has worked well.

a. The parent keeps track, for a couple of days, of how frequently the child repeatedly questions during the day (let’s say an average of six times a day) and how many repetitions of a question the child averages (let’s say five repetitions of a question). Then from there we write a plan to start gradually decreasing those frequencies (the number of repetitions of each question, and the number of times a day repeated questioning occurs.

b. To decrease the number of repetitions child gives per question, if the average frequency is five, we would start by answering the child up to four times. We would tell the child that we can only give up to four responses. Each time the child repeated the question, the parent responds “this is number one” and answers the question. Then each response starts with “this in number 2, 3 or 4” and answers the question. At the forth time the parent reminds the child they cannot answer it again. If the child stops asking, the parent will praise the child, “Sally, you really please mommy by not questioning after I told you no”. If the child asked again, the parent shakes her head no, and gives the child the manual sign for “no”. The parent does not give another “verbal answer” to the question, regardless of how intense the child gets. When the child gets used to asking only up to four times, then we decrease to three times. We gradually decrease to twice and only once.

c. Now, we want to reward the child for stopping at the predetermined number of repetitions, as well as decrease the number of repeated questionings throughout the day. In this example, the child averages repeated questioning six times a day. We start at that number. We make a laminated chart with six boxes on it. We also post a picture of a few rewards that the child can earn next to the board. For each time the child engages in repeated questioning, when he doesn’t stop at four, the parent puts a cross, or frown face, in one of the boxes (with an erasable marker). The parent tells the child that if there is at least one box left by a certain time of the evening, the child will get their choice of one of the rewards. So, in this case, if the child has four or less times when he doesn’t stop repeated questioning, he will earn a reward. This way, we start with were the child is at, teach him how to earn the reward, and then slowly started reducing the number of boxes (chances) he has to earn the reward. So for step b above, when the child asks for the fifth time, the mother shakes her head no, gives manual sign for “no”, and walks over and crosses out one of the squares. If the child has at least one box left by the evening, he gets his choice of reward. If he has all five boxes crossed off, parent shows him, tells him he cannot get the reward tonight, but he can try again tomorrow.

Another way you can work this, is using the same style board, give the child a star in each box each time he stops the questioning at the predetermined amount without going over. So, if the child stops at four repetitions, the parent praises him, and gives him a star to put on his chart. Once he earns the right number of stars he earns a reward.

6. Another technique is to answer the child once or twice. Then the next time the child asks, you tell him you will not answer that question again, and ask him a simple question to redirect him. This way you are redirecting him to talk about something else. If he doesn’t answer, but asks his question instead, you continue to ignore his question and continue to ask him your question until he answers. If he answers your question and goes back to his, you simply ask another question about the issue you want to talk about and keep focusing on what you are asking him. Eventually they learn to take the redirection and converse on what you want to talk about.

Remember almost all of the techniques focuses on 1) stop rewarding his repeated questioning with “verbal answers” and 2) focusing (rewarding) him for responding the way you want him to do.

 

Independence day = INTER dependence day

Independence day= “Inter”dependence Day

As we commemorate the 236th anniversary of our Declaration of Independence, taking a look back at  our history helps remind us of our successes,  and where we need growth.

Today is a day to celebrate independence…to celebrate those who fight for our continued independence, and to remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice so that we can be here, free, writing whatever we wish to write.  While it is easy to take these freedoms for granted in the day to day, today is a special day to give a shout out…as Americans, to say THANKS to all of you who fight for freedom,  in any arena!

The older I get,  the more I realize the war on maintaining freedom extends to many different areas of our lives,  both collectively and individually.  While acknowledge the big guns of freedom, I also wanted to take my own personal thoughts on a battle very real to parents every day, the freedoms for our children…with Autism.

A few weeks ago, in New Jersey I stood before Governor Christie asking for that freedom..the freedom of choice for parents to choose which intervention they wanted for their child and have the same funding options for their choice.  This freedom was crucial for my own 2 boys as our family remediated Autism in their lives.  I was fortunate to be able to show the logic of funding to my school district years ago,  which of course they are reaping the benefit now as my son is in High school, with friends, and will live an independent life ( when I was told he would not).

But we all have heard the professionals tell us what our kids will not be able to do.  We as parents have a choice to let their words define our babies future, or to let those words spur us on to make sure that is not the future for our children!

This is the same spirit, that independence is built on.  The declaration of independence…. to pursue hope, on their terms.

The lessons of interdependence leads the way for crucial understanding of true dependence.

The basic thought that guides these specific means of national recovery is not narrowly nationalistic. It is the insistence, as a first consideration, upon the interdependence of the various elements in all parts of the United States – a recognition of the old and permanently important manifestation of the American spirit of the pioneer.

U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt, First Inaugural Address, 1932

...for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.

Martin Luther King Jr., I have a dream,

This is a huge topic for me because with my own two boys, about 7 years ago I had come to a crossroads.  My then 8 year old could do a bunch of things by himself, as we worked for years to get him to that point…but missed the whole point of sharing the experience and reactions of anyone around him.  He successful went through a program to teach him how to act, but not understanding WHY! I kept saying, if he could just talk, it would be ok,  then he did but it was only for his needs.  Then if he could have a friend, it would be ok,  but he couldn’t, because he did not *get* the social nuances and minute by minute steps that it took to have that back and forth relationships. For my younger son, who was 4 at the time, I was able to learn from that, and turn the tides for him , and his older brother to concentrate more on interdependence FIRST, to have that TrUE sense of independence, emerge right before my eyes. To help them from the bottom up… Our kids with Autism, blossom with taking their need for  static “independence” ( leave me in my own world so that I am safe and nothing changes) and changing that to concentrate on the relationship of interdependence.  This is where in fact I had to start with my own kids.  This quote, speaks volumes for long term thinking…interdependence is necessary to success in marriage, family and organized realty ( LIFE that does not go as planned day to day)

Independent thinking alone is not suited to interdependent reality. Independent people who do not have the maturity to think and act interdependently may be good individual producers, but they won't be good leaders or team players. They're not coming from the paradigm of interdependence necessary to succeed in marriage, family, or organizational reality.

Stephen Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, 1989

Think of your own child with Autism.  Do you find yourself working on skills and behaviors,  yet still there is that missing piece and you wonder if there isn’t a more pro active way to address the goals? There is…through guiding our kids through the developmental stages of  Interdependence… it is worth fighting for in our children and will bring them to an understanding of the experience process in relationships.  My youngest son, diagnosed at 18 months, severe infantile Autism,  understands reactions, perceptions and perspectives, as well as independence in the exciting things he can do as an 11 year old.  It is a complete, balanced package that typical children already have in place…so we cant skip the core importance of INTER dependence, otherwise we are on that hamster wheel in trying to fix this behavior or that one.  Interdependence allows our kids to have that intruistic motivation that relationships are rooted in beginning at birth!!

So Happy Independence day…rooted in interdependence J

Kathy Darrow

Click here for my younger sons before and after- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jakn6_RqHB8&feature=plcp

Check out my other blog at www.whatisrdi.blogspot.com

Part two, A statement of Hope

Part one ( Click here) is my Mission preview for my then 7 year old…7 years ago. I did one for 2 years, 7 years and 15 years. MY mission preview then, was centered around my son understanding his social world, how to navigate friends and understand other perspectives. When I wrote this mission preview, he was attending a school for children on the spectrum. He had gone there the year before because his behaviors had gotten to where his placement had to change, because what I knew at the time, was not a good match. There were times when his aid would need to restrain him..and this was my wake up call. I needed to do something ELSE for him. The typical route at the time, behavioral conditioning, was not giving him the long term tools he needed…he had lots of skills, but not much else.


As I read over my old previews, I could only say .... mission statement fulfilled. I have blogs about the how to, and my story…and what is RDI click here so I wanted to make this post more about celebrating the ability to understand friendships…and understanding the importance of thinking ahead to *get back* what our kids need. A celebration of not only my son overcoming the obstacles that Autism presents, but the many other children and families who are in this journey... It is quite a journey that we, as parents can instantly relate too with one another! 

So why do I think a mission preview is important in this process? For me, it kept me focused on my goals for my kids. There are short term goals and long term goals…and without a mission…I was getting caught up in the reaction of all the short term issues. I was trying to *get* things to happen, or fix a behavior. Of course necessary, but sometimes thinking long term helped take me out of reaction mode and into proactive mode. I started to look at what my kids needed, as what was missing instead of how to put a band-aid on what they were *doing* at the time.

So as I took my 7 almost 8 year old on a new journey with Relationship Development Intervention, I was able to renew my mindset on what we, as a family needed to achieve. Going through those stages within RDI, each one filling in crucial developmental milestones, worked on both sets of goals, and both kinds of intelligence here…which led my son to the place where he is, a place where he can be in that group of teens, nominated on the snow court.

As I lay awake that night, thinking, I remembered all that the past *inflicted* upon me. 11 years ago Autism was not as common, and in some ways we have come a long way and others we are still stuck in the same old same old. What would have happened if we did not make that change when he was 7? I definitely know we would not be here…I would not be watching him with his friends, as they come over, as he goes over their house… as he attends dances, and is part of the student council. All that my son is doing now, 7 years ago, I was not sure he could get there. Like any mom, I wanted so much for my son to understand relationships. We had a good relationship, but out in the social world, so much MORE is needed in understanding. 14 and 15 year olds do not compensate...they expect you to be on equal playing ground. Thinking ahead to get back would be crucial! Instead of me trying to give him social skills to try and teach him every possible way to handle a conversation ( an impossible task), I instead learned that I needed to address things like resilience, perspective, and true meaningful communication, which was just the beginning. To be able to hold his own with friendships and relationships, communication skills and being able to take a chance are two must haves, along with knowing how to help the other person know we are interested in what they are saying .all the while insuring that our gaze to them shows us this. Yikes, where to start. Friendships do not start in a bubble. Infants are learning resilience which are the building blocks to trust, then grasping the back and forth of communication. Two years olds are already learning how to blend their way of seeing things with our way…which is why it’s called the terrible twos. The ability to understand friendships are grounded back …in development. I had to go back and give my sons that second chance at mastering this, before we could make any real progress.

Maybe your mission preview would read differently. No two are alike…but I encourage you to write it on paper. Visualize where your child needs to be in 2 years, 7 years, 15 years. Then base your goals on what your mission is for your child. This will prevent you looking at your 20 year old …wondering where the time went, faced with the hard truth that skills got them through school…but now what? Start addressing the now what?....NOW! Its never too early nor too late to restore your child’s developmental path to dynamic intelligence!


For more on friendships- Click here


More of my story is here

A mission statement of hope….first believing, then seeing

Today,  since we got snow and Im sitting here sipping coffee,  I figured I would share one of the highlights from early December...better late then never !
Last month,  my son, who is now 14 told me that I was allowed to come to the snow dance at school ( He is a freshman in high school) and take pictures.  Anyone with  a 14 year old understands the term allowed.  He told me that all the parents would be there at 9 to take pictures of the snow king crowning ( sort of like homecoming).  Of course I was like ok…then he mentioned to me that he is in the snow court so I might want to get there  alittle earlier.  My response was…uh, what?  He stares at me and says, Yeah Im in the snow court and walks away.  So as I’m standing there, frozen, watching him walk upstairs as if it is no big deal,  my first thought is, well,  ok  Im not sure how this whole snow king thing works so I guess Ill find out when I go.

3 days later the snow dance has arrived,  and Im  at a friend’s house  ( a ball party).  I knew I would need to leave at 9 to run to the school,  then come back to resume Moms night out. As I am driving to the school I get a call from my son,  who wants to know where I am.  It is 3 minutes to 9 ( gosh, what does he think, I’m always late or something??  J)  So I park,  run in and as I enter the hallway,  he is in the middle of a group of 10 kids,  5 boys and 5 girls, getting various pictures taken,  They are all wearing a sash.   I take a picture of them all together, just in time for them to line up for the DJ to start calling their names as couples…as nominees for the snow king.  I walk into the dance floor…turn around and everything is going in slow motion.  The DJ starts to announce the nominees…and each time the boy and girl walk through the doors and the crowd of kids cheer.  The DJ announce my son with the young lady nominee,  and he walks through the line as the kids cheer.  Im only able to get a picture of the end as there are just so many teenagers blogging my view  ( move it Mom here trying to take  a picture!!  Geez)

They all walk up to the stage and are given flowers..and told to open the card and the card says whether they won king and queen or not.  I watch and these 10 teens open their cards,  and the crowd cheers as two come forward excited that they won.  No,  my son did not win…but I still could not take my eyes off him.  He then came over to me,  I got a few pictures of him with his nominees and also with his date to the dance,  and then I left.  I got into the car and just sat there,  trying to compose myself as I was heading back to my party.  I did, and returned, and then came home and stayed up all night…pretty much sitting by the computer or on the couch.   At some points I wept,  because as I could not sleep,  his entire childhood up to this point flashed before my eyes. I just kept coming back to the night,  where his peers/classmates choose 5 boys to represent the class,  5 boys who were the most popular…and my son was one of them.  Now typically this is just a general feel good moment for any Parent,  but to me, and our family this moment is a significant milestone…  because around the age of 7, I wrote a mission preview for my son as part of an assignment … with my RDI consultant ( we were just starting RDI with my son at the time) A mission preview is also a concept listed in the book, 7 habits of highly effective people,  under, habit 2, begin with the end in mind.  Here it is-

2. Intermediate-Term Mission Preview: 7 years from now

14 years old- Sleepover

N knocks on the door of the youth group leaders house. S opens the door and is thrilled to see N was able to make it.

" Hey guys, I'm here, let the party begin" utters N as he makes his way over to the pool table. He instantly begins talking to a few of his friends about the night before and how a bunch of them got together and went to the hockey court to play a few games. They begin to play pool and N is one of the last three kids playing. He misses a ball and with that laughs and walks over to some of his friends. "Did you see that new movie yet N?" remarks one of his friends. "No, not yet," says N, "hey lets get a group together next weekend and go see it." They all agree. N notices a more quiet boy sitting around the group and also asks him about going to the movies. They start a conversation and N finds out that this boy just started coming out to church. He brings him into the group and makes him feel welcome. At this point the boys gather around for a lesson from. S. S talks about the pressures of approaching the teenage years and N and his friends have a great conversation with S about the challenges they face in their social life. S also introduces the new boy.

N has already met so and so and is helping him feel right at home."S comments" "I see that
but for anyone who has not gotten the chance to introduce yourself, make sure you do! They boys stay up till the wee hours of the morning eating and talking about everything boys talk about!

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